Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Animal Crossing: New Leaf - Diary Entry 1

This town must be smoking some REAL strong weed, and I want some.

Ever since arriving at Essendon the townsfolk have looked up to me and called me their mayor. Come on! Really?! Here I am wanting to move to a new place and start a new life and everyone thinks I'm someone I'm not. Hell, I even got a letter from the real mayor who was like "...it's up to you! You'll do great!".

Great you say?

I was first greeted with a lovely pitfall, just lying around. This town is up to something...

They were planning for me. Time to return the favour.

I can't delay much longer, I have to start on my plans immediately. 
This town is going to become my bitch.

After a couple of days catching all the fish in the lake and selling all the apples lying around town (The store is buying them, so why isn't anyone else smart enough to do it??) I decided to flex my mayoral muscles and post a bulletin on the bulletin board outside the train station. It went a little something like this:

I tried to add a classy side to an otherwise uneventful bulletin board.

Damn wenches better start paying up. This mansion I'm trying to build with that sleazy raccoon Nook won't come cheap. Then again, the 39,000 bell opening loan is pretty cheap, if you know the right places to sell. Apparently Nook's kid and that new Re-Tail place have the same prices. I don't care, as long as I'm getting sweet sweet bells.

The first person I met was Isabelle and it's very clear she wants the D. Why else would she be the mayor's assistant? She'll probably be the first to turn over to my side of thinking and if we work together, Essendon will fall.

This bitch. She's here 24 hours a day. Perfect as my very own personal assistant...

I've also started to make profiles on each of my residents so I can keep tabs on them, know when to please them so they can give me some bells. Anyway, they are:

- Moe, the cat. This little pussy keeps following me around. Hell, his house is right next door to my office. He needs to be dealt with first...

He didn't end up coming back home, but he will. He will...

- Camofrog, the frog. He wants an orchid mantis. Ain't no-one got time fo dat!

- Coach, the... I don't know what he is exactly. A bear? Whatever...He's a fitness freak and his house shows it. I think the best way to sabotage him would be to give him chocolate or something, if I can find any of that stuff at the useless shops.

- Peaches, the horse. She loves them apples. Also she's too nice for her own good. I mean, who puts a borrowed shirt in a present box just to return it?

- Pinky, the panda. Thinks she's cute in her dazed top. I think she'd look better dead on the floor. She also thought that I asked her for a jungle-camo shirt. I didn't. She must be the drug addict in town A.K.A my future supplier of not just free shirts.

We've had a new resident already, the very socialable sheep Timbra. All she wants to do is get everyone together to eat cake and learn more about each other. If this happens, it would make my plan all the more easier. Plus my bomb won't require too large an explosion. Only time will tell. There's also one more resident coming in tomorrow. Her name is Tammy and if she's another furry like most of the others, I'm going to have to hurry my acquisition of an axe.

Anyway, time to see what happens tomorrow. Once I pay off this initial debt with the crafty Nook I'll be able to see exactly what can happen around this town...


P.S If someone can equip me with an axe, I will spare all the trees in their village. And by trees, I mean all the fruit trees.

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Review: Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts (2008)

Is this a joke? Did Chris and Tim Stamper wake up from their mighty hangover from the successes of Rare's previous titles Goldeneye 007, Conker's Bad Fur Day and Perfect Dark, money spilling from their pockets while the room span around like a CD and think to themselves "Hey man....lets make Banjo-Kazooie once more, but with vehicles...!" Like....fuck....what?

I'd avoid this game altogether with eyes like those on the front cover.

Now don't get me wrong, Banjo-Kazooie will forever be known as a solid, fun and enjoyable platforming title on the Nintendo 64 and its sequel Banjo-Tooie is still a marvel. But after continuous pressure to make Banjo-...Threeie (Dafuq?!) they decided to scrap the platforming goodness of the first two and make a completely different game which taunts the player for even playing it? That's just ridiculous! But no, the game stoops that low. During one of the loading screens, hints and tips usually pop up, until you come to this:

"Have you been playing for a while but still don't like the vehicle-based gameplay? Maybe you need to buy Banjo-Kazooie on Xbox Live Arcade instead."

Are you kidding me?

You know, this is the first game I've reviewed where I haven't yet finished the main storyline because the game was just too terrible to play. (EDIT: Actually, I didn't finish Pimp My Ride either, but that shit is cray-cray. Three levels was enough.) Instead I ended up spending a good few days building vehicles from the default parts that you get plus a few others from easy-to-reach crates in the hub world, Showdown Town, and then flying them around the practice map. Yes, that's all I did. No storyline was going to suck me in, I wanted to play the game and play it for what it was worth.

Really? Does this really need to be in a Banjo-Kazooie game? Rare!! Dafuq?!

After trying to build a good vehicle which could float, speed along the ground and fly as well I put it into action, only to see it run out of fuel after about 15 seconds of flight. The game is fairly good in a sense that once fuel runs out, it takes a few seconds before it recharges a fraction. This is probably reminiscent of the health system made famous by games such as Call of Duty where you take cover for a few seconds to stop seeing red. This was probably the only logical step the game made to try and be "modern" without taking the piss out of itself.

As you saw from the quote I mentioned above previously, the game doesn't try and make you feel like you're playing a good game. Even Mumbo walks around talking about how the game is shitty and that he just wants to retire. Kazooie is probably the only decent character in that he knows the game is boring and is only in it so he can go back to what he was doing, which was ironically playing is new Xbox 360. Since the game was meant to be released as a launch title, it heavily features Xbox 360s in the game with many references to sell the console even more, much like it's other Rare counter-part Viva PiƱata.

^^ Better than being in the game itself. Kazooie knows what's up.

To the game's credit, it is still spoken about fairly highly. Not in gameplay and story mind you, but the physics of the vehicles. Make a vehicle too front-heavy and it will just drag along the ground. Make it too wide or long and it'll have problems turning. The vehicular based part of the game could've probably been made into it's own game, minus Banjo and Kazooie, and would've had moderate success. Yet no, Banjo-Kazooie had to be revived and much like Fox McCloud in Starfox Adventures, really didn't need a shift in genre to make a comeback. Just give us bloody Banjo-Kazooie in it's pure form and leave all the shit out Rare. You'll thank me for it later when you start to go back to your golden age of gaming.


Platform Used: Xbox 360

Score: 3/10

Recommendation: Avoid.

In short, that rating would be a 6 if the name Banjo-Kazooie was taken away. But no, Rare had to go and ruin a perfectly good game series. This review was fairly short, but that's because I played so little of the game that there wasn't much to talk about. Who knows, maybe I'll make a video. Everyone loves torture. =/

I would've given it a 2 but it's not on par with Sonic 06. Nothing is.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


You know, I'm getting real tired of seeing "first-person shooter" and "FPS". There's no middle ground. Most people when asked what a FPS is they look at you like you just asked them if they're on LSD and if you actually spell out "first-person shooter" they think "What the hell is a first person?". We need something that can bridge that gap between people who know what is being spoken about and those who have no clue. I'm also sick of seeing "FPS" thrown into the fiery depths of a technical paragraph, usually appearing around two or three times a sentence. I think something is needed that is aesthetically pleasing to see yet understandable to most. I thought about a few examples including, but not limited to: First-PersonS, Through The Eyes Gaming (or TTE Gaming) and ICS Games (I Can See! Games). Eventually I came up with something that is both an acronym and also in English. I give you…..

The FPShooter!!!

But wait, why stop there?! Why not include it's cousin, the third-person shooter? Or how about Role Playing Games? Puzzle adventures? Games about lacrosse? The ideas just kept flowing and once the beer stopped, I realised exactly what needed to be created. Here are my final ideas:

The FPShooter!
The 3
rdPShooter! (Because if we said "3PShooter" it would've seemed like there were three people playing it at all times….or something…..)
And finally, the RPGame!!!

...actually, scratch that last one. It's silly.